Rachel's Weight of a Crown
by Lalls
Summary: The world Rachel has known her whole life is changing and she struggles with adjusting. Nevertheless, she has people to help her.
1. Chapter 1

"So Rachel, tell me, what is bothering you?"

Was that woman stupid?

"I've told you. I can't sleep. I need some sleeping pills."

"No. What is bothering you so much you cannot sleep?"

* * *

><p>The bell caught her attention. It was the end already? She looked at her watch and realized she has been off for most of the English class. That has been happening a lot lately. She shook her head and stood up. Another two classes and today's finally over.<p>

School has always been an extremely tiring business for Rachel. She remembered her very first day in the first grade. Her mother bent down to equalize their heights and said: "Don't forget who you are. And let the others know."_  
>Well, mother, what do you think? Haven't I done just a great job?<em>

She looked around the hallways. Strange thought came to her mind. For the first time she could remember, she wasn't tired from putting up a circus for the sake of maintaining her status. School was very quiet these days. Rachel was tired, because she couldn't fall asleep in the night.

* * *

><p>The woman in the chair across from her looked at her patiently, waiting for her to answer.<p>

"I don't need a psychologist. All I need is a prescription."

"I can't just give it to you."

Rachel sighed.

"Alright. How much is it?"

"I don't want your money, Rachel."

She furrowed her eyebrows. She didn't like how often and causally that woman addressed her.

"Then what do you want?"

"I want to talk."

She left that room at once, desire to make a scene bubbling in her stomach.

_No Rachel, that's not worth wasting your energy…_

She watched her whitening knuckles and then slowly relieved the pressure in her hands.

"So you still have sleeping problems?"

Her eyes immediately followed that voice. A familiar voice that turned into a very familiar face.

"I thought you were going to the army?"

Lee Hyo-Shin tapped on the empty seat next to him and smiled at her.

"I'm going in two months, after graduation."

She nodded and took a seat. That certainly made sense, why didn't she think of it in the first place?

"You look pissed."

"I am. That woman wants to play with me on this psychologist-patient thing. I just want some sleeping pills, that's all."

He looked amused.

"Maybe you should play along. It might be helpful."

She gave him a doubtful look. She wasn't sick, physically or mentally. Yes, there was this annoying sleeping problem, but otherwise…

"I mean it," he continued, his face all serious: "Look at me for instance."

_What?_

"You are fine." She stated.

"Exactly."

* * *

><p>"So what do you want to talk about?"<p>

"How are you today?"

"I'm leaving."

* * *

><p>She wrapped the coat around her body tighter in search of warm. Her mother was late and dropped her in the intersection so not only she was actually <em>walking <em>to the school, she also came along with the welfare students. It was awfully cold for this time of year, she was absolutely underdressed and hated her new heels. Stupid, custom made shoes. Moreover, it was Monday. The worst day of a week.

"She might be even more arrogant than Rachel."

Hearing her name in the end of _that _sentence made her stop walking. She saw Ye Sol and another few of her classmates standing right next to her locker, obviously slandering this or that girl. And Rachel herself.

They haven't noticed her coming. Instinctively, she searched her brain to dig up some dirt on each one of these girls in order to casually shove it in their faces. It was so easy it felt almost disappointing.

It was too easy. She had done it countless times before after all. She was used to people bitch talking about her all the time, it was all included in this exclusive-life package. _Very exclusive indeed._  
>She sighed. She just wasn't in the mood.<p>

Instead of making a scene so early in the morning, she gave them a pass and started walking backwards. It was just her luck today, she bumped into something in the process. _Of course. _  
>But it wasn't the wall she expected to hit, it was softer and it smelled. She recognized the fragrance. Mainly because she bought it for him once, years ago.<p>

She turned to him and stepped farther away, making her usual face. Needless to say, not a very apologetic one. She thought her eyes would do the job as always and their very brief encounter would be over without the need to actually say anything.  
>But the way he looked at her surprised her, because he was the one with the apologetic expression. She felt cold running across her back.<p>

_He pitied her?_

"Rachel." The sound of his voice saying her name disturbed her stomach greatly. _No way Kim Tan, no freaking way. _

She knew what was about to come and when it really did, she felt hysteria dragging its way up to her head.

"Can't we be friends?"

She went for the most sarcastic and contemptuous laugh she was able to do and in the process of storming out she had to congratulate herself on that one.

Even though the feeling of winning was weirdly unsatisfying this time.

She just hated Mondays.

* * *

><p>"Why did you break off the engagement?"<p>

_Because he didn't want me? Because he loved another girl? _

"He was an illegitimate son."

* * *

><p>It was the first time she has ever visited the school library. She got there by accident, on her way to the economy class, thinking about something… and suddenly she was there. All of the students gave her a curious look when she entered the room. It was like the time stopped for a while and she believed that room would become deadly silent if it already wasn't. Most of the people didn't dare to look at her for too long. Except for one.<p>

"Did you come to check on the poor kids? How sweet," said Chan Young and went back to reading his book. She looked at the title, but it was in a language she didn't know.

"What do you mean? Are we forbidden from coming here or what?" In her peripheral vision she noticed few students flinch on their seats. She was being loud, but no one said a thing.

"Not forbidden," he said, almost whispering. "You just don't go here."

She raised a brow. Strangely, she realized it and immediately thought of Young Do. The eyebrows were his power, he was stupid for changing that hairstyle…

But it made sense _they _didn't come here. She had a library of this size at home after all. Rachel looked around and decided that this place was nice. It had a pleasant atmosphere, coffee and supposedly comfortable coaches.

She turned back to Chan Young.

"So are you hiding from Lee Bo-Na in here?"

"Sometimes. She's forbidden to come here, because she can't stay quiet."

They both laughed at the same time. And then both looked at each other with immense shock in their eyes.

Did she just shared _a moment _with Chan Young?

In the end, she ended up coming to library few times a week. There was something very appealing about that room, but she couldn't explain it well. Much more lately she realized that library was her way of escaping the world. It became her most favourite place in the school. Other students got used to her presence eventually, but Chan Young always warned her not to "spoil this place".

* * *

><p>"Rachel, what about your friends?"<p>

"What about them?"

She knew exactly what that psychologist meant, she just wanted more time to think about her answer.

"Do you have friends?"

_Do I? _

She had lots of people she knew in the right places. That's what her mother called "making friends". But she had a feeling that wasn't what that woman wanted to hear. She knew the concept of friendship. It was the pilot missing his little prince. Harry being useless without Ron and Hermione, Watson helping Sherlock, Darcy's efforts in the sake of his friend's happiness, George killing Lennie… It was what Kim Tan and Young Do used to have.

It was also what drove them apart. She didn't like the idea of sharing anything with anybody. Do people realize that by doing so they literally throw a weapon to that person's hands? Kim Tan shared something with Young Do what could have destroyed him if he cared.

"I don't need anyone like that."

* * *

><p>She left the room feeling strangely empty. She massaged her temples. Those sessions were absolutely useless and she still didn't get any sleeping pills.<p>

"Are you alright?"

She jerked a little. Again?

"Why are you here so often?"

Lee Hyo-Shin shrugged his shoulders and demonstratively looked around the hospital hall.

"After all this time, I guess you could consider this my second home. It's not that bad, it's very clean. But the food really sucks."

"But what's wrong with you?"

_Crap. _She blurted out the first thing that came to her mind again. The same way she asked him if _he has a girl waiting for him. _Really, who asks that? It must have sounded so wrong, even more than inconsiderately asking about someone's supposed disease.

But he didn't look offended at all. He smiled at her and continued chewing…whatever it was he was chewing all the time.

"Not much now. Want me to give you a ride to school?"

"You might have just said that you spent half of your life in this hospital. Should I trust your driving skills?"

But she did. She dismissed her driver in front of the building and got into Hyo Shin's car. It was somehow exciting, even though when she thought about it rationally, there was no reason for it to be, he was just driving with her in his car.

She watched his hands handling the car while they were driving out of parking lot. They looked very relaxed, gently pushing it to sides, fingers slightly pattering the steering wheel. His face was serious though, eyes strictly focused on the road. He really knew what he was doing and she found that very attractive.

_That's strange._

But she must have admitted that, driving or not, he was attractive. She just have never thought about it before. She used to dislike him a little, because he was always looking at her with eyes that implied he knew more than her. It became his personal feature, he just had that look. No need to say that most of the time, he did know more than anyone else.

She tried to find something unsightly about his face, but she couldn't come up with anything. Especially on his lips. He had extraordinarily pretty lips. She felt her cheeks warming up, remembering the absolutely unnecessary scene she made at the party. But looking at him, she thought that it might have been worth something after all.

"You're watching me."

Now she really felt the heat getting to her head.

"No." She fixed her gaze on the road. She didn't see him, but she could swear he was smirking.

"Have you ever driven a car?"

"Of course not," she answered immediately, grateful for the topic change.

"Why of course, you're eighteen, aren't you?"

That was true. It wasn't about the age though. It's never even occurred to her that she could drive a car. Simply because it was more than probable that she wouldn't ever need it.

"Is it fun?" She asked with sincere curiosity in her voice.

He nodded. "And it calms you down."

There. There was _the more _behind his eyes when he looked at her. And that was the moment she realized he knew more about her than anyone else. They have never acknowledged it, but they shared a secret. Even though she didn't know the reason he was in the hospital all the time.

_He has a weapon in his hands. And I don't care._


	2. Chapter 2

Rachel was in the middle of eating her lunch when she caught her classmates giving her strange looks. She opened her mouth, unpleasant words rolling on her tongue, but she noticed it wasn't a case of the students sitting next to her table only. Whole canteen was giving her weird and unnecessarily long looks.

"What?" She asked loudly, looking around the place. It was odd, because she usually knew the exact reasons behind other people staring at her. And then it hit her.

She wasn't sitting at _her _table.

Shaking her head she lifted her spoon and went back to eating.

"You're breaking the rules."

"Screw the stupid rules."

Once again, she found herself saying the very thing that came to her mind. _Screw the stupid rules? _That wasn't a sentence she would use every day. Given the fact she was usually the first punishing others for breaking them, it was even more surprising.

Young Do sitting now across from her noticed that too. Parting his lips slightly he crossed his hands on his chest and looked at her, obviously amused.

"Ouch. You forgot I made them, sis?"

She decided to ignore the fake hurt resonating in his voice.

"You should cut down the number of your mimic gestures, it's annoying. And stop calling me your sister, this pseudo-siblinghood is over."

As expected, he showed her an enormous number of facial expressions before he settled with the fake hurt one once again.

"Now I'm really offended. Would you like more if I called you _my wife?"_

Did she misheard him?

"What?"

"Your mother called me yesterday. She gave me an offer…I simply cannot refuse."

Her face went from confused to horrified in less than a second. _He can't be serious. _In what universe did her mother think this would be a good idea?

* * *

><p>"Do you hate your mother?"<p>

"Sometimes."

"Do you love your mother?"

That has been the most difficult question so far. When in reality, it should be the easiest one to answer. For a reason, she couldn't bring herself to answer it either way.

* * *

><p>"And that is why you burst into my office like an animal? Calm down Rachel, it's a good idea."<p>

Esther went back to sit behind the computer immediately, not paying attention to her daughter anymore. The lack of her mother's care wasn't what bothered her, it has been like that her whole life. It was the tone she used that gave her goose bumps all over her body. She said it with such a casual definitiveness it left her completely frozen for a while.

"Really?" She asked, her teeth almost grinding. "Because If I recall correctly, you literally broke off this good idea like a month ago."

Esther sighed and looked at her, enormous tiredness visible in her eyes. It worked as a strange opposite to the very bright colours she surrounded herself with.

"No, that idea has always been good. Only that man is in jail now. Fortunately, he has a son who is to inherit everything one day."

She bit her lips fiercely so that she wouldn't scream.

_But then, what did I expect?_

Her mother to worry about her feelings? Her mother not to force her into another set up marriage? And then Rachel realized she would be hypocritical if she blamed her mother for anything. She looked at Esther. Cold, pragmatic, calculating woman putting herself before others. In the end, Rachel was no different.  
>It's always this way or the other. You're either your parent's reflection or you take the way out. Both Kim Tan and Young Do did and were nothing like their fathers. And then there was Rachel, standing in a room not big enough to handle both her and her mother at the same time.<p>

Maybe that love or hate question about her mother was hard for her to answer, but she knew one thing.

_I can't let my daughter feel about me the way I feel about my mother. _

She calmed herself enough to speak in her normal voice.

"And you think it would be alright for a girl to marry her almost step brother?"

"Actually, that's perfect. We can say you found your way to each other thanks to it."

She nodded distantly. She couldn't help but think of her mother narrating a story. _Perfect. Perfect for a TV show, mother. _

"And you are aware of the fact my father-in-law would be a man who cheated on you and…"

"It's a meaningless sacrifice when you look at the outcome," she interrupted her and waved her out of the office. Normally, she would make sure she left the room very loudly because of that gesticulation, but today…Today her head was especially throbbing and everything felt just too unrealistic.

_I'm a meaningless sacrifice._

* * *

><p>"Rachel, you need to manage your anger more effectively."<p>

"How?" She threw her hands up in the air.

That was the first sincere question she asked her.

* * *

><p><em>I'm going on a date with a man that calls me his sister.<em>

She was standing in front of the restaurant, not in hurry to get inside. They both knew the marriage is never going to happen, but she still stopped for a while, giving herself time and wondering how unbelievably comical this concept sounded.

She checked at the entrance and waited for the waiter to take off her coat and show her the way to her table.

"Your fiancé is waiting for you, Miss."

Her _fiancé _was obviously having the time of his life, grinning extensively while she was taking her seat across from him.

"Hello wifey."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm glad you find the idea of becoming my husband so entertaining."

"It has its advantages," he winked at her giving her what she believed others called his predator look. She shook her head, hoping to get the images out of her mind.

"Strangely I miss you calling me your sister."

"Come on wifey, that would be kinky."

She almost chocked on the wine she was sipping. He opened her mouth, obviously forming another carnal comment related to something sticking in her throat, but she looked at him the way that could shut somebody for a year.

"Don't look at me like that. Look at my hair instead, I did it only because you said you liked it."

That was true, he wore his hair up again. She said she hated the bangs, because she immediately thought of him going for the Kim Tan image and couldn't stand it. But he really did look better with his forehead and eyebrows visible. Maybe she should lose the bangs too.

"I was just worried about the hair gel companies going bankrupt without you."

He laughed and opened the menu. She looked around the place. She expected it to be a first-class restaurant when he told her to dress up nicer than usually. But it was an extremely classy place, waiters wearing tuxedos and tableware being custom made. Definitely a good place for their date if they were getting married.

"Everything's in French," she heard him complaining.  
>"Do they think that French comes hand in hand with having money or what?"<p>

She flipped the pages in the menu and saw no hangul whatsoever. She thought her French was decent, but she couldn't understand most of the names. She looked at the first page and caught the word _français_.

"I thought you chose this restaurant?"

"I let the driver choose, do you think I go to these places? Screw it. Let's order the thing that sounds most ridiculous."

Watching Young Do trying to speak French was priceless and she forced herself not to laugh out loud. They ended up eating something that looked absolutely distasteful, but to the surprise of both of them, it was delicious.

Even though the chef couldn't be very pleased with them. They went through the menu once again, picked five most laughable food names and decided to try them all. She knew they were being inappropriate, but she didn't care. After a very long time, she was having fun. _Screw the rules. _

"So," he asked after they finished the dessert they chose because it had an extreme number of accents in its name. "Should I call your mother and say that I don't find the idea of sharing a bed with my little sister exciting?"

"No," she shook her head. "I'll talk to her."

It was hers to handle, but one could tell she wasn't looking forward to that conversation.

"Are you alright?"

The sincerity in his voice surprised her. She looked at him carefully and remembered the conversation they had about the blame they felt towards Kim Tan. Something huge must have moved in him back then, because in the extent of few weeks he became a completely new person and it had nothing to do with the stupid new hairstyle.

New personality suited him. She actually felt jealous. He switched into it so flawlessly and naturally. Everyone accepted him. They respected him, not feared him. He wasn't revolting in the hallways anymore, instead, he occupied himself with books and papers in the breaks. He was much calmer now, preparing to take over his father's business. He even ranked higher than her in the exams.

She nodded.

"How's your mom?"

She has never seen him smile like that. He looked like a child receiving a candy.

"Softie," she commented on his joyful expression, but thought it would be nice if she could smile like that at the mention of her mother.

"I heard some rumours about you," he said, his face reflecting curiousness this time. New or not, Young Do's ability to express statements using his face will always be there.

"Rumours?" She raised a brow.

"Someone saw you and Lee Hyo Shin getting out of his car in front of the school. Are you cheating on me wifey?"

She ignored her heart skipping a beat.

"What were you doing together?"

She tried to think of a believable excuse to cover the real reason where and why did they meet. _He saw me going to school and gave me a ride? _

"We met in hospital."

He furrowed his brows, obviously concerned. For a reason, she wanted to tell him the truth, even though she felt horribly exposed. That woman said she needed someone to talk to. She didn't need Young Do to know, but the idea of lying to him felt wrong. They might have done lots of bad things to each other and yes, to other people also, but they didn't lie to each other.

She told him about her problems and that psychologist in one quick sentence and went back to eating the last course of their extensive dinner.

"Well," he said slowly. "I guess that provides one more thing you two have in common."

"Seriously, what's wrong with him?"

He shook his head. "That's not my story to tell."

She went back to the time they were fifteen for a while. It was the time it was decided she and Kim Tan will get married when they're old enough. Watching Kim Tan she realized that he, Young Do and Lee Hyo Shin were close. Even though Hyo Shin didn't participate in things like bullying welfare students or destroying school's property, he was around and he was their friend. Everything felt down easily like a house made of cards. Looking back, she thought it was quite silly.

"So, do you like him?"

Well, that was a question she didn't expect. She has asked the same question few times herself. Her first reaction has always been no. Definitely not. But, what it was the kept her discreetly searching for him in the hallways then? Her body's reactions to his voice? The blushing? Thinking about his lips before falling asleep?

"I don't think so. It's not like with Kim Tan…"

"Might be because you didn't like Kim Tan?" He said it like a question, but certainly didn't mean it that way.

He interrupted her, but she waited for him to continue.

"He was a shiny toy your mother gave you, made you think it's yours and then someone else took it away."

His words were harsh, but true nevertheless. The problem was, she spent two years thinking she liked him. She knew it wasn't love what kept her attached to him now. As strange as it might sound, she wished it was about feelings though. If she had feelings towards him, it would excuse her behaviour. If she loved him, he would break her heart, not her pride.

It was very hard to define her relationship with Lee Hyo Shin.

"Then how do you know then?" she asked hesitantly. "For example, how do you know that you truly liked her and didn't want her only because she belonged to him?"

He took a deep breath and for a second she blamed herself for bringing her up. He never talked about it, but Rachel noticed him leaving the room immediately when Eun Sang entered. As ridiculous as it was, she could tell talking about her still might be a painful zone he didn't want to get into.

"It was like that at the beginning," he nodded, eyes fixed on his fingers playing with a wine glass.  
>"I bothered her, because it bothered Kim Tan. But after some time I realized I wasn't meeting her because I wanted to make him angry anymore. It was rather because her presence soothed my anger. Instead of bothering her I protected her. Instead of pushing her I touched her. She turned my world upside down."<p>

He smiled slightly.

"You do know, when you like a person Rachel. Your body becomes uncontrollable, your mind is off, you catch yourself doing unreasonable things...I knew from the very first day that she won't be happy with him. She just needs to realize it on her own. The same way I needed to realize I can't do it for her."

He allowed himself to look downhearted only for few seconds, then he looked at her, smiling brightly again.

"You'll realize it too."

There was time she wanted Eun Sang to fall for Young Do, because that would make Kim Tan really hurt. Most likely, she won't ever be fond of that girl, but this was the first time she wished she fell for Young Do, because it would make her brother happy.

* * *

><p>"What are you thinking about before you fall asleep?"<p>

She shook her head. "Nothing in particular."

The psychologist narrowed her eyes.

"There are reasons that keep you from sleeping. I suggest you try to settle them."

* * *

><p>She woke up and jumped out of her bed immediately. Her heartbeat was elevated and her body was almost burning underneath her touch. She stumbled to the bathroom and studied her flushed face in the mirror.<p>

_That dream…_

She shivered and closed her eyes, remembering the scenes. She didn't know how exactly Hyo Shin appeared in her room and what conversation it was that led him into her bed, all she knew was her legs were now incredibly weak and she felt satisfied and unsatisfied at the same time.


	3. Chapter 3

It was true what was Young Do indicating in the restaurant few days ago. There were rumours about her. It's been going on for a while now and she couldn't believe people still didn't get tired of it. Also, she absolutely despised people talking about her behind her back. They should have the decency to confront her at least.

_But they hit the jackpot this time._

There were so many rumours she made a mental list and ranked them. She liked the one in which she was _definitely_ marrying her step brother. Also, the one in which she was secretly dating Lee Hyo Shin and Kim Tan at the same time. Some of them were not amusing at all and she had to suppress the anger and keep her face completely blank. Like the one in which someone saw her in a certain hospital ward and she was apparently a psycho. But then someone corrected that statement saying it was _definitely _a gynaecology and she was now having a baby.

Naturally, school became more uncomfortable than ever. Going around school meant being in one huge x-ray machine all day long and even with her pro-attention personality it felt enormously tiring.

"Ya! Wifey! I heard you're pregnant. That kid better not be mine."

_Of course. _Even though he wasn't that rebellious rascal anymore, certain things never change. Young Do has always loved situations like these, they were the ultimate source of his entertainment. She turned around to shut him up, but never said a thing. Somehow the presence of Lee Hyo-Shin beside him shut _her_ up.

"Is it yours?" Young Do looked down at Hyo Shin.

"No way. I'm always protected."

"Mmm. Is it Kim Tan's then? That would be bad, I don't think this world could handle two of them."

"But it's weird. I heard she was secretly a man."

"Wow. Pregnant, man and a nut job also?"

Everyone in the hallways watched their loud verbal rally incredulously. Except for Young Do and Hyo Shin, who were making angelic faces and smiling at her innocently.

"I'm glad you're having fun."

She understood what they were trying to do, but she really wasn't in the mood. Then she heard a ring bell, Young Do gave everyone his very own significant look with one eyebrow arched and went to the classroom.

She wanted to do the same, but a hand on her arm stopped her.

"Want to get out of here?"

He didn't wait for her answer and simply dragged her out of the school. She watched his hand tightly gripped around her forearm and very vividly remembered what that hand did in her dreams last night.

Pulling her hand she stopped and tried to control the heat spreading on her body.

"I'm capable of walking on my own."

She said it little rougher than she would want to, but it looked like Hyo Shin didn't take it personally. Wordlessly, he gestured her to follow him and strangely, she did. Even though she had a class at that time and had no idea what he was up to.

They walked to his car and she hesitated before getting in.

"Trust me," he responded to her confused expression.

She didn't need to trust him, she wanted to know where they were going, but he refused to tell her.

"Are you kidnapping me?" She asked when they left the highway and the road became significantly coarser. They haven't met another car for a while, but she was sure they were still in the city.

He stopped the car when they got out of a forest.

"We're here." He said and she just nodded, because she didn't know what to say. There was…almost nothing to see. One wide, supposedly long road and few old, damaged buildings.

"Exactly where are we?"

"This is an old military airport."

She just nodded again, because he said it like that explanation should be enough for her to understand why he suddenly snatched her away from school in the middle of a day.

He got out of the car and she followed him. It was so quiet around them it felt almost unnatural. She believed they were the only ones in the radius of ten kilometres and she thought that if Lee Hyo Shin really wanted to do something to her, this would be more than suitable place.

"We used to sneak in here with Tan and Young Do, using that runway to master our driving skills."

She looked at the runway imagining those three reckless and mainly licenceless fifteen year olds.

_Everything was so easier back then._

"Didn't you get caught?"

He smiled, remembering the times. "Not in here, but we got caught few times in the city."

"Really?" She wondered. "How did you get away with it?"

He bit his lips, boyish look playing on his face.

"It comes handy to have both of your parents lawyers sometimes." He shrugged his shoulders.

"Lee Hyo Shin," she said strictly. "I didn't have you for a rebel. And a mama's boy."

"Well it was about time for you to know me."

She felt that he meant more than he actually said. It was written all over his face, in the intense gaze he paid her, in the short moment his eyes went down to look at her lips. The problem was, she couldn't decide how to react.

He was full of paradoxes. Mysterious, but revealing at the same time. It was easy to be around him, but he was able to make her uncomfortable within a second. She dreamed about making love to him, yet in reality she was afraid of touching him.

All of this was new to her and the lack of experience made her feel ill at ease.

"Well," she said when the moment crossed the bearable zone. "Why did you take me here then?"

He pushed himself off of a bonnet and not saying word walked around her to the passenger's door.

"You're driving today."

She felt her eyes widening. Instinctively, she stepped away from the car.

"I am not."

"Yes, you are."

"I don't have a licence."

"You don't need one in here."

"I don't know how to drive a car."

"I'm going to teach you."

"Why?"

"You'll see."

"I doubt that very much."

"Come on Rachel, don't be such a coward."

She froze. She has been definitely called worse, but never a _coward. _Yoo Rachel was no quitter. Rationally, she had every right not to get into that car as a driver, but with one word he made a game out of it. She thought it shouldn't make a difference, nevertheless, it did.

In that very moment she hated him for the effect he had on her. But looking at the car in front of her she felt something very similar to what she used to feel when she was on her way to a country she hadn't been to before. Or to the feeling before meeting her father. Or to what she felt when she watched Hyo Shin driving.

_Excited. _

"Less thinking, more action."

That sounded very appealing. She could use less thinking these days.

"If I die I'm taking you with me," she warned him and opened the door. _God. _

She knew nothing about cars and when she seated herself in the driver's seat, she tried very hard not to show any discomfort she felt.

_It can't be that hard. They let so many idiots have a licence. _

He leaned over her and for a moment she thought he was going to kiss her, but he just reached somewhere next to her seat and suddenly, she was higher.

"Okay, fasten your seatbelt."

Which was perhaps the easiest task in today's lesson, but her hands were still shaking.

"Great. Let's get straight to it. Put your hands on the wheel. Now, feel the pedals under your legs?"

She nodded, trying to touch all three of them.

"Good. From the left. Clutch, brake and an accelerator. Step on the clutch. Done?"

She nodded again.

"Start the engine."

"Already?!" Her voice cracked a little.

He laughed. "We're skipping few lessons, but yes, already."

She slowly touched the key. When she turned it, well, there was probably a proper term, but she decided that the car _woke up. _She felt it slightly shaking underneath her legs.

"See. You just started the car," he smiled at her proudly. "Now, put your hand on the gear lever."

She looked where that was and put her right hand on the top. She waited for him to instruct her, but instead of saying something, he covered her hand with his.

That was something absolutely unexpected and the second he touched her she automatically let go of both the wheel and the clutch.

Not daring to look at him she expected to be teased for that, but instead of making fun of her, he squeezed her hand lightly.

"Okay, again. Step on the clutch and put your left hand back on the wheel. I'll help you shift the gear."

He pulled to the left and then to the front with her right hand.

"Now, important part. Put your right leg on the accelerator, but don't press it yet. At the same time, you will start slowly lifting the clutch and pressing the accelerator. Okay? Do it slowly and don't shrink back, because the car will move."

It sounded hard, but to her great surprise it worked. She let out a cheerful yell when it moved, she really didn't expect she would make it.

"You're driving Rachel."

_Hell I am. _

The anxiety left her after few minutes and she realized what he meant. Even though she was only driving in ovals going averagely forty kilometres per hour, it was fun. It was more than that. It started _her _up and she found herself smiling whole time. It might have been silly, but when she was turning the wheel or shifting the gear to speed up, she felt…free.

"Thank you," she said sincerely when they were out of the car again.

"You skipped few classes today, you drove a car without a licence. How do you feel?"

She smiled widely.

_Screw the rules. _

"You should smile more often, it suits you."

She watched the man in front of her thoroughly. There were so many things she didn't know about him, perhaps even more things she was confused about. But what she did know and was sure about made her heart stop for a while. He did all this because he wanted to take her mind off of things.

It's been so long someone did something just because they wanted to make her happier.

It's hard to say what it was. Maybe the excitement from the driving, maybe the sudden emotions and her disability to handle it or maybe the nice way he was looking at her. And maybe all of that altogether.

Her mind was off and her body uncontrollable.

She covered the distance between them with two steps and pressed her lips to his. She felt his muscle tense in surprise and the impact of her body forced him to sit on the bonnet. That provided some distance between them again, but she still remained in his personal zone. She was really close, their foreheads were almost touching. She studied his face closely, realizing his eyes were much brighter she expected them to be. Also, his skin was extremely clear, it was unbelievable such a flawless skin could belong to a man. She liked his visible cheekbones, but mainly she liked his lips. They were as attractive as he was handsome. And touching them felt good. _Really good. _

When she looked him in the eyes again, the gravity of her action fell strongly on her. There was one problem she realized now, he didn't kiss her back.

She started to pull away, but he put his hands around her waist and stopped her. There. The more behind his eyes again. In a way, his eyes were the reflection of hers. A mixture of desire and now also a fear. But while her brain turned off the higher functions when he said she should smile more often, he was still thinking, wondering about the consequences.

"Less thinking, more action." She whispered, surprising even herself.

He kissed her immediately, pulling her closer to him. The pressure was very intensive at first, but then he relaxed and finally let out a breath he must have been holding for a long time. He took her face into his hands, pulled away just enough to look her in the eyes again and then pressed his lips against hers gently. Again and again. She closed her eyes and responded more than willingly, enjoying the softness of the touch, loving the feel of his body under her hands.

When she slid her hand down his back, fingers touching his spine, he quickly run his hands into her hair and deepened the kiss. The feel of his tongue sent shivers all over body.

The urge to moan and the need to be even closer to him woke her up. They were both out of breath, staring at each other, having no idea what to say.

"Well," he said after a while, his voice unusually low. "I really hope you're not a man then."

Thinking that was the stupidest thing a man can say after kissing a woman, she burst into laughing. She laughed so hard tears came out of her eyes.

She couldn't remember the last time she felt so happy.


	4. Chapter 4

School got quiet once again after the show Young Do and Hyo Shin put up in the hallways, but it worked only as a slight comfort to the bothersome situation she found herself in.

As much as she wanted to accidentally bump into Lee Hyo Shin before, she was now praying not to meet him somewhere around the school.

She managed to do so quite well for some time. Mainly because she was spending most of the time in the library. It was a good excuse, she needed to study for the finals anyway.

_It's a pathetic excuse, Rachel. _

She sighed.

But she really didn't know how to handle it. She lost herself the other day and when the euphoria left her it freaked her out. She wasn't like that.

On the other hand, she didn't want to be an ostrich sticking its head in the sand either, she wasn't a quitter taking the easy way out.

She was just giving herself some time.

But it came sooner than she expected.

"Are you avoiding me?"

He slid into the empty chair next to her. It startled her. She didn't notice him coming.

"I am not." She said too quickly to even pretend it wasn't an obvious lie.

"Then why are you not looking at me?"

She closed the book and looked him in the eyes demonstratively, hoping there was no agitation she felt inside visible in her expression.

Hyo Shin looked completely normal, meaning unaffected and untouched by anything, chewing the thing she still didn't know what it was.

It looked like both of them were struggling with words to say. He was slowly tapping his fingers against the table and she was absently staring at the book. They were silent for few minutes, which wasn't unusual given they were in a library, but she felt that they needed to talk.

"We don't need to name this." He gesticulated between them with his index finger.  
>"Or we can, whatever you want. As long as you feel comfortable enough to look at me at least."<p>

She was thirsty for answers. Anything to soothe the chaos in her head. But she didn't know what exactly she wanted to know, what answers she needed to hear and she was afraid of asking the questions.

"It's confusing." She said truthfully.

"As it usually is at the beginning," he nodded. "They call it the fun part."

"I don't find it funny at all."

"Me neither. But I don't think it should keep us from talking to each other."

He was right. It's not worth it if she avoids seeing him.

"Maybe we don't need to have the talk yet and there are other things we can talk about?" He asked carefully and she smiled.

"Then help me brainiac," she opened the book again and pushed it towards him. "How do you solve this?"

They spent the rest of the week together, talking about everything else but the two of them. She believed the proper term was_ hanging out _with him. Most of the time, they studied together. Well, more like she was actually studying and he was correcting her, because with his knowledge and photographic memory he didn't need to study at all. It was annoying and admirable at the same time. She wouldn't tell him, but she found his ability to solve a problem she was trying to figure out for an hour in a minute very attractive.

* * *

><p>It wasn't till his graduation it hit her and the weight of reality fell heavily on her shoulders.<p>

_He's going to the army. _

She watched him on the podium, receiving all of the teacher's congratulations. His academic achievements were so remarkable even the principal's face looked less vicious than usually. He smiled widely when he was giving a speech to all of the students gathered in the great hall, but she failed to listen to his words. Everyone around her looked happy or touched, which she found really odd, because they hardly cared for each other here and when they did, it was definitely more often in a negative sense.

She shook her head and left the room, hoping to leave all of the unpleasant feelings connected to Hyo Shin's departure in there also.

_As if it was that easy. _

She held onto the handrail strongly, supporting herself and imagining the uneasiness leaving her body the more intensively she clutched the rail.

_As if it was that easy. _

She heard the noise of the room getting louder behind her as someone opened the door, but she didn't turn around to find out what that was.

Then someone hugged her from behind tightly. So tightly she didn't even flinch at the unexpected touch. She exhaled with relief when she realized who it was.

He put his head on her right shoulder and she automatically leaned into the touch. Her heart was beating fast and she thought he must feel it with his chest pressed to her back and his hands around her, but she didn't want to let go of him. Moreover, did it really matter anymore?

"You're leaving soon."

She felt him nodding as he buried his face in her hair. His breath tickled her in the back of her neck and she covered his hands with hers, stroking his skin softly.

"Next week," he almost whispered.

They didn't need to say anything else. They didn't need to name their relationship.

She found a certain freedom in the truth, even though it was still unsettling.

_Yes brother, I realized it too._

* * *

><p>"You need to stop being so hard on yourself. It's alright to feel vulnerable sometimes, it's alright to need help and it's alright to make mistakes Rachel."<p>

"Then why do I feel like vomiting all the time these days?"

* * *

><p>She found Young Do in the hotel's kitchen, wearing yellow gloves, washing the plates. The sight surprised her.<p>

"You're still doing the dishes?"

He didn't need to do it anymore. She didn't understand why his father made him do the dishes in the first place, but he was in jail now after all.

"Habit is a second nature. Besides, there's nothing wrong with using your hands instead of your brain sometimes."

"I would use the brain to put the dishes in the dishwasher, I thought a hotel like this would have few."

He looked at her ironically and threw a new pair of yellow gloves at her. It took her a while to realize what he meant.

_I've never washed the dishes before. _

Lifting the gloves hesitantly, it occurred to her that she has never washed anything in her life. Or cleaned. Or cooked. It has also never bothered her before, but she had to admit it sounded ridiculous.

She put the gloves on and studied her hands with strange interest. The expensive designer shirt underneath the cheap yellow plastic gloves worked as a weird, yet amusing combination.

Young Do moved few dirty plates and glasses to the sink she stood in front of and turned the water on.

"You want to stay here tonight, don't you? Consider this paying off for your room."

She did want to stay there tonight. Or anywhere if it wasn't at home.

"I told my mother I'm not marrying you," she answered his unuttered question and picked up the plate. To her surprise, sliding a sponge across the plate and making it clean was enjoyable more than she would expect.

"Was she furious?"

"I believe she called me an ungrateful brat."

He whistled, giving her mother a credit.

It wasn't the reason she left the house immediately and went to the hotel. Something like that wouldn't hurt her, but her mother was angry and in an arguing mood and Rachel needed some peace right now. Besides, it was always good to give her mother time to cool down.

"But just tonight. I'm not letting my little sister run away. And I'm calling Esther to let her know where you're."

"Yes, father."

* * *

><p>She went out of the bathroom ready to head for bed when she heard a knock on the door. It was unexpected, because she already had a dinner with Young Do earlier and didn't order anything else.<p>

But it wasn't her overprotecting brother or a hotel service behind the door.

First thought belonged to her missing makeup and wet hair. Also, she wasn't probably enchanting in the hotel's bathrobe either. The second thing that came to her mind was asking Hyo Shin about his presence in the hotel, more precisely, in front of her room.

"Young Do gave me a call, saying you'd like to see me."

That was so unexpected she didn't even protest when he entered the room, uninvited.

"Don't you think I would call you myself if I wanted to see you?"

"Actually I don't. You're too proud to admit that you're missing me."

She shut the door loudly as a response to his cocky expression. Young Do can look forward to getting a kick in the ass in the morning.

"Putting my desire for you aside," she said ironically and sat on the edge of a bed. "What exactly are you doing here?"

Hyo Shin bit his lips. She noticed he was doing it surprisingly often.

"That is a question I don't know an answer to."

For a while they kept staring at each other. Despite the awkward silence sprawling around them, she was glad to see him, even though it was slightly painful at the same time.

"But we need answers," she stated, serious this time.

"Then let's ask some questions first," he joined her on the bed.

What did he mean?

"For example, why do I think about you so much?"

His eyes were searching her face as if there was an answer hidden somewhere. Bending her head down, she tried to hide it, because she was sure the thrill his words woke was apparent all over her face.

_It's too late for that, don't you think Rachel?_

"It doesn't make sense," he continued. "Why should I feel attracted you? You're stubborn and proud, having feelings makes you run away, people don't like you and you don't like them. You don't trust anybody," he shook his head and exhaled deeply.

Maybe the things he said would hurt her few months ago. No, she was sure that normally, he wouldn't just get away with it unharmed. But that _normally _wasn't very present-day anymore. Because he was right and she could admit it.

"You shouldn't," she agreed. Rachel might have changed for the better in some ways, but she still wasn't a girl man would want to be in a relationship with.

"But there must be something about you, because I do."

He was being very honest and it felt like they were walking in a minefield. Taking their steps carefully, afraid to walk into the zone with no way back. But he was slipping. Could she do that too?

It wasn't about her anymore. Rachel wasn't thinking about the impact taking the next step would have on her, it was about him. They were complete opposites. When people talked about Lee Hyo Shin, they were full of praise for him. He was like a textbook definition of a good person. She wondered if there was somebody who has ever used her name and the word good in one sentence.

"We're not a match."

He nodded. "We might even beat Bo Na and Chan Young in the weirdest couple contest."

She chuckled.

But the truth lay somewhere deeper.

"You'll be gone for two years."

That sentence added extra weight to the atmosphere between them. Even if the things were ideal, even if she could become his woman, nothing really mattered as long as he was going to be away from her.

"I didn't want this, whatever it is between us, to happen because of it. But I failed to keep the distance."

"Well, I didn't exactly make it easier either."

"Of course not, you started it in the first place."

"Excuse me?"

"You are the one who kissed me at that party. I had a very disturbing dream that night."

Her personality requested rolling eyes and hitting him slightly, but truthfully, she liked his paradoxical character. In a way, he was the purest man she knew, but he could make her cheeks turn red with one sentence. Maybe men needed to be little immodest in certain situations, wouldn't it be boring otherwise?

In the end, there were no answers for them to find. They tried to express as much as they could, but both of them were realists, finding zero desire in adding an oil into the fire and getting burned along with consequences. The fact he came to see her in the middle of a night and the fact she didn't throw him out spoke for itself.

Catching him looking at her, the more behind his eyes being sad this time, she realized there was no point in feeling down. It was one of the few life philosophies she thought she got right. It's not worth it if it makes you unhappy.

"The way I see it, we're screwed. We can't pretend nothing has happened and it won't make it any easier even if you go away right now," she shrugged her shoulders.

She smiled at the sight of his face getting confused as she got closer to him.

"So it can't make much more damage if you kiss me before you go."

She had no idea where that came from. He was making her behave so out of character sometimes it was almost scary, but she didn't care tonight.

_Leave the remorse for the morning._

However her words affected him, he obviously enjoyed it, even though he had an effort to keep a straight face at first. Turning his body towards her, he took her chin in his hand and lifted her head. Her lips were close to his again and she stopped breathing, awaiting the kiss to come, but it never did.

When she opened her eyes again, a very Hyo Shin-like mischievous grin was playing on his face. It was the one indicating victory. Also the one he used when he was mocking her.

"I like how impatient you are," his voice was surprisingly deep, but he didn't let her pull away.

Instead, he lowered his head, his lips stopping only paper thin away from hers.

"Are you chickening out?" Her lips were gently drumming against his when she spoke and she felt him smirk at her irritated voice.

"You wish."

He captured her lips strongly, sliding one hand behind her head, grabbing her hair and pulling her closer.

_Who's impatient now?_

He kissed her fiercely, trying to get deeper, get more and she loved every second of it. It might have been hard for her to admit that she liked him, but undoubtedly, she could say she loved kissing him.

She loved the feel of his hands caressing her hair, the soft and yet needy touch of his finger pads on her neck, she loved the way he shivered when she bit his lower lip, his warm breath on her cheek when they pulled away for a while, his animalistic expression…

All the things they couldn't say were displayed in the way they kissed.

In some moments she later couldn't recall, led by the need of being closer to him, she threw her leg over his instinctively and he pulled her on his lap.

She liked the new position, it gave her the advantage of being higher and the fact she was atop of him awoke something deep inside of her. Something deep, longing, thirsting and craving, calling for the body underneath her.

They stopped, breathing heavily, looking at each differently this time.

"We should stop," he cleared his husky voice.

It was absolutely obvious what he really wanted and she thought it was sweet how he tried to control himself, but she was the one who had a choice to make.

"Should we?"

Her mind wasn't clear and her actions were not coming from her brain. There was something utterly terrifying about the way his eyes darkened when she said it and she knew she's letting them step on a mine. But for a reason exceeding her better judgment, she still didn't let him go.

He tried to resist her when she brought herself closer again, but she kissed away any words of protest forming on his tongue. She recognized the exact moment he gave up, letting out a groan, responding to her kisses with a new kind of desire.

It was new to her, but she completely forced out the fear and timidity. Led by instincts, she get rid of his shirt and when he untied her bathrobe, sliding his hands across her bare back and leaving nail marks in the process, she knew she was doing a good job.

* * *

><p>Her mind cleared later that night, when she was lying in Hyo Shin's arms, her bare back once again pressed to his chest. He was hugging her closely and she enjoyed the warmth of the touch.<p>

She wondered if she should feel embarrassed or awkward, because except for the achy feeling between her thighs when she moved, she felt extremely good and the lack of downsides felt unnatural. There should be some, right?

But she found none, even when she turned around to face him and he pressed a kiss on her forehead. Stroking his cheeks, she remembered his expression when he came inside of her and she thought there was nothing nicer than watching him being satisfied thanks to her.

She wanted to stay in this state of delight as long as she could, because she knew morning won't have any mercy on them, but the weight of the night was pulling her eyelids down and she had no power left to fight it.

"You know," he whispered to her hair as she was shifting her body to make herself more comfortable. "I know we're not labelling this. But if we were, I would have to say, that…I'm labelling you very much."

It was the first night after a very long time she fell asleep without problems.


	5. Chapter 5

Thank you. All of you. I feel I'm done with this story for now, at least for a while, even though it might be nice to see them all grown up?

* * *

><p>"Ya!"<p>

Rolling over on her left side she wondered why is there a Young Do's voice in her head, but decided to ignore it and unwittingly pressed herself to that warm thing next to her.

_Wait._

It took her brain less than a second to reset itself and kick-start her body again. Eyes still closed, she slowly put her hand on the warm _thing, _wishing to stay unconscious of the world around her little longer.

_No can do. _The body underneath her hand was breathing, being just too conscious to simply overlook.

Unwillingly, she let the light disturb her eyes and sat on the bed, already expecting to see her pissed arm-crossing brother. It was extremely uncomfortable, given the fact she'd be confronting Young Do naked if it wasn't for the cover.

"Yes?"

It was just too obvious to even pretend that naked guy in her bed had in nothing to do with her. Besides, she had a feeling she wouldn't deny it even if she had a chance.

"I came to take you home, but I guess someone else already _took _you."

Young Do shoot Hyo Shin one especially fierce look. "That's not what I meant by keeping my upset sister company when I called you yesterday."

In her peripheral vision she noticed Lee Hyo Shin getting up to sit next to her, holding a blanket similarly to her, but significantly lower.

"Then you should have expressed yourself more precisely."

"Do you want me to get you out of that bed and kick your ass, jerk?"

"Do you want to see me naked?"

"Shut up, both of you," she interrupted their alpha male contest, regaining her characteristic tarty tone for a while again. "Could you get out of here and could you get dressed?"

For a change, their expressions were in a mirror reflecting harmony when they were speechlessly staring at her. All of them were silent for a while and she found herself biting inner sides of her mouth not to laugh, because it would ruin the _Queeny Rachel_ she was once again trying to deliver. It came surprisingly easily.

_Habit is a second nature, after all._

It was comical nevertheless. Who would expect her to be in a situation like this?

_I'm screwing with the rules._

But the first one who cracked up wasn't Rachel.

"Well," Young Do shrugged, relaxing into his usual state again. "I just came to tell you that you need to get out, because we need this room. But I really enjoy playing your concerned brother, sis."

He _waved _at them and walked out of the room in a blink of an eye.

She was afraid this morning would be awkward, because it was the morning after and naturally, those were supposed to be embarrassing. Moreover, this was her _first _morning after and new situations have always made her uneasy.

But it didn't feel uncomfortable. Sure, it wasn't exactly relaxed either, because you just don't wake up next a naked man every morning, but it was alright and she realized that _alright _is what she's been desperately looking for in the previous months.

Maybe it was because they didn't have time for uncomfortable and uneasy anymore.

"Are you alright?"

She spotted a hint of concern in his voice and nodded to make him sure there was nothing wrong. But it was time to get up and even though her personality didn't include holding onto sentiment she realized that the moment her feet touch the floor this night is definitely over.

"I'm going to take a shower," she got up, wrapping the blanket around her body tightly. If there was something about this morning she would describe as awkward, it was her trying to walk with a blanket limiting her legs that still felt unusually weak.

"Could I join you?"

"No."

It was an automatic answer, but the brutish impudence in his words still made her turn around in the bathroom door and face him. The voice matched his face, eyes looking at her daringly and she knew that scolding him would probably be an appropriate reaction, but instead, she let it amuse her and leaned into the doorframe.

_Maybe the morning can wait for a little bit more._

* * *

><p>Esther didn't say anything when she entered the living room, which was a good thing. It meant that she calmed down enough not to talk to her in a pitch only hearable to animals.<p>

Rachel joined her mother on a couch, patiently waiting for her to put down the papers she was going through and actually pay her an attention. She knew her mother was passively punishing her for disappearing the previous night, but since not running away would be her life motto if she had one, she silently accepted it.

It was time to start being a daughter. The relationship they shared wasn't warm or intimate, it was more similar to a working relation, a never ending competition and it took her eighteen years to get tired of it.

_But I can't fix it on my own._

"Let's make one last deal." She said when her mother finally looked at her.

"What do you want?"

Making deals wasn't anything new, it was practically their only way of communicating. They called it compromising.

She gave herself some time, trying to formulate the words in her head.

"I know you're trying to protect me with those marriages also, not only yourself and the company like I'm usually throwing into your face. But I really don't want to do it. I'm not saying I won't marry a man you'd want me to one day, but I want it to be my decision."

Rachel hoped her words won't make her mother burst, but deep inside she was preparing for it. It was absolutely unexpected then, when her mother casually stood up and went to the bar to pour herself some wine.

"What else?"

Taken aback, she continued, carefully pronouncing each word to make sure her mother heard right.

"I'm planning to bring dad back to my life and I want you to know."

Esther silently nodded, inviting her to continue.

"And I'd like to have a bigger share in the company. Working there for real."

"Is that all?"

"Yes. What do _you_ want?"

Her mother sit on the coach again, closer to her this time. Looking at her daughter, she didn't say anything for a while, obviously thinking about the things she could demand.

She took a deep breath. "I want you to go and have dinner. Then I want you to brush your teeth and then," she paused and reached for the papers on the table. "I want you to look at this. You can take it as your first project."

Later that night, right before falling asleep, Rachel thought that tonight was the first time ever her mother could have passed for a mom.

* * *

><p>It was the last day of school and she watched girls in the classroom being under the weirdly emotional spell of <em>the things ending <em>and _closures _and supposedly another final happenings she didn't manage to catch in their loud conversations. It was interesting though, because she couldn't help but feel that these days were more of the beginnings than endings.

She was passing all of that unusual hugging affection in the hallways and realized this atmosphere has been around for a while now. It wasn't a place they treated like a playground anymore, where Young Do threatened kids because that was the only way of communicating his father showed him, where Rachel had to put up a queen act every day and where Lee Hyo Shin couldn't show he was miserable enough to commit a suicide.

It was just a school now.

She spotted Kim Tan and Eun Sang sitting on a bench in the entrance hall and thought that she might have some closures to fulfil on her own in the end, even though she'd probably rather skate on thin ice and wouldn't let the sleeping dogs lie.

"I did wrong." She said when they noticed her coming and looked at her.

To say her words left them puzzled was an understatement.

"Is that an apology?" Kim Tan asked reservedly.

"Closest thing you'll get. I was wrong for being bitchy to you, I was wrong for trying to make your life hell," her eyes met Eun Sang's. "I was wrong for taking your papers, throwing your uniform in the trash, humiliating you at the party…" She paused for a while, those scenes flashing in her head.

"But the truth is, you were wrong too. You came back, immediately tossed me away and despite the nature of our relationship, I didn't deserve that. You hurt many people around you," she meant both of them, but she still looked at the puppy eyed girl in front of her.

"So no Kim Tan, we cannot be friends. But it's not because of our past, it's simply because I don't think we're suitable to be each other's friend."

Rachel waited for a while, gave them time to consume her verbal waterfall and a space to respond, but decided to walk away when she realized there was nothing more to say.

* * *

><p>"You look awful."<p>

Honestly, that might have been the biggest lie she has ever said. Women around her have always said that men in uniforms are a thing. She didn't know about others, but this particular man in a uniform was definitely _something. _

"Your face says otherwise," Hyo Shin grinned.

"How come you're wearing it? You're not there yet."

"I wanted to show you what you'll be missing, girl."

Once again, he walked around her and invited himself inside. He really did look good, mainly after he took off his jacket and revealed a nicely fitting t-shirt.

"So what do you think?"

He spun around spreading his hands and she caught herself checking his pleasantly defined arms.

_His hands…_

Rachel closed her eyes and tried to shake out the memories of the two previous nights they spent together. There was no need for him to show her, she made sure her eyes and hands took every piece of him.

_I know what I'll be missing. _

"I think you'll make guys in there very happy."

Laughing, he slowly walked to her and brushed his fingers against the soft skin on her forearm. "Do I smell jealousy?"

She run the other hand through his short spiky hair. "I hope you'll have your hair back next time I see you."

"So I have a girl waiting for me in the end."

They talked about many things these days, getting to know each other by revealing their past, but they never talked about the future. It wasn't necessary. She didn't need to ask to know that he had to go. Hyo Shin was one of the few people that had a name and connections to get out of the service, but he still decided to go.

The joy in making your own choices was something she fully understood.

"Who knows," she smiled lightly and intertwined her hands with his.

Both of them were aware of the fact they cannot promise what they will be in two years. They could only know what they were now and they could only wish it will still be there when he comes back.

"I'll…" she opened her mouth, but her voice trailed off.

He pulled her closer and hugged her tightly, the dog tags around his neck sinking into her face.

"Me too."

She really will. Sometime between talking to him and laying in his arms she realized he played an important part in her journey of finding peace and satisfaction and it didn't feel like it should end at all.

They hugged each other closely, silently saying goodbye and she closed her eyes, absorbing his touches, trying to imprint the feel of his body into her.

"Behave Rachel, I'll be home sooner than you think," he smiled into her hair.

Pulling away, she sighed dramatically. "And there I was, hoping I'll enjoy myself before you come back."

Hyo Shin tightened the grip on her back. "I dare you, don't you know how strong I'll be when I come back?"

She chuckled and punched him playfully. "Go. And don't you dare not to return."

To this day, they were quite successful at ignoring the fact he was leaving, sharing the opinion that living in now sounds much more enjoyable than worrying about tomorrow. Perhaps it wasn't very reasonable and their minds has been off for a while, but Rachel decided that is exactly how she's going to treat this situation.

Instead of trying to express it in words, he stroked her cheek and kissed her lips gently. She liked when he was communicating with her using his body.

She walked him to his car and watched the back lights disappearing in the distance for a long time.

Two years might seem like forever, but she had a feeling time didn't really matter anymore. She was a shattered ball of nerves two months ago and yesterday, she said goodbye to the psychologist, never actually needing another sleeping pill.

She didn't even make it to the entrance door when she felt her phone vibrating.

_Missing me already?_


End file.
